It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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