I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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