You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
