if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
