When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My vagina is very pro this idea
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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