The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
