Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize