you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
