dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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