Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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