I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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