I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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