Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
