I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
