I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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