Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
