I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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