I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
