Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
