the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
