The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
A+ Viking dick
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
