you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
