So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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