I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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