i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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