Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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