I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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