When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
