i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
