Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
