Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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