Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
