yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You pole danced in your parka.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
