she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
