This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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