I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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