i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
