you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
