You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
