sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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