I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
