I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
