I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
