You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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