Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
