That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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