Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
