I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
