She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just want nice things and good sex
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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