so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
