went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
