I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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