Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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