I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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