I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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