I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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