Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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