I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
