My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize