She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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