I can text with my tongue
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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