How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
