Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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