Someone shit on the floor
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
