This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
